It’s okay to NOT be okay!
Let’s get real people. How much of our lives do we spend living behind a mask? How often do we pretend that everything is great and life couldn’t possibly get any better? And how often is that actually true? So why do we perpetuate this culture that we have to pretend that everything is okay? Why do we insist on hiding our true feelings?
For me, I know a lot of it stems from the desire to keep up appearances. I was sick as a kid. I’ve been sick as an adult. I’ve been diagnosed with chronic illnesses that don’t make me look sick. So even when I’ve been in so much pain I wished I was dead, people would look at me and say, “But you don’t look sick.” So I felt that because my physical appearance didn’t match how I felt on the inside, I had to pretend that I felt as well as I looked. People didn’t believe me anyway, so I may as well just show them the version of me they wanted to see. Now, I am a healer. I am a Reiki Master Teacher. My job is to help other people feel better and improve their mindsets by clearing away the negative energy they’ve stored inside themselves. If I’m not okay all the time, then I’m a total hypocrite, right? I had myself believing that for quite a while. I was worried that other people were putting me on a pedestal. I was afraid if they saw me fall, they wouldn’t believe in or trust me as their Reiki Master anymore. I didn’t want to risk falling, so I just kept pushing, forcing myself to believe that everything was ok when at times I felt like falling apart.
So what changed? I got fed up with myself. I got tired of pretending. I didn’t want to bottle up my feelings when all of my Reiki studies had taught me that that was not healthy for me or anyone else. But most of all, I wanted to be real with my clients. I wanted them to know that they aren’t alone. I have bad days, too. I have days when I’m tired and in pain and just want to pull the covers back over my head until tomorrow. I have days when I feel fat and unattractive and hate…HATE the way my clothes fit and feel to the point that I don’t want to leave the house! I have days when I can’t stand being around people because they can’t do anything right and I want to stab them all with a fork. I have days when I’m just flat out mad and nothing seems to go the way I want it to. But I have stopped letting these days rule my entire life. I’ve changed my mindset. I try to look at experiences as lesson rather than burdens. I treat my feelings as opportunities for growth. I accept that I’m a soul living a human experience, and some days those pesky human emotions will get the better of me. I don’t have to be perfect. It’s good to have flaws because flaws provide the chance to evolve. I’m willing to tell myself that I’m not okay today, and that’s okay.
So who are you really? What do you look like behind all those masks you keep juggling? Wouldn’t it be nice to give yourself a break? Don’t you deserve to not be okay? And would it really be so terrible to admit that you aren’t okay? Try it sometime. See how it feels. Because when you become okay with not being okay, you open yourself up to growth.
My name is Michelle Elizabeth Moskauski, and I’m not okay.
Next entry: Why Reiki
Previous entry: Lessons Learned from 2018